Godzillionaire

Dave Attelemarketer/Dave, a telemarketer

2011-09-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

Dave Attell.
Telemarketer.
Dave Attelemarketer/Dave, a telemarketer.

One of the most capable, most respected, most miserable, most hilarious phone salespeople in the game right now.

Insomniac.
Accomplished.
Insomniaccomplished.

Self-A-Werewolf

2011-07-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

Self-Aware.
A Werewolf.
Self-A-Werewolf.

Someone who really knows what's going on every time there's a full moon.

Lunar.
Nerd.
Lunerd.

FY I oughtta!

2011-07-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

FYI.
Why I oughtta!
FY I oughtta!

For your information, I am angry.

Irate.
Data.
Irata.

Pandorable

2011-05-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

Panda.
Adorable.
Pandorable.

Not only are pandas adorable, but also (and almost entirely unrelatedly), you can now listen to Myq Kaplan comedy on Pandora internet radio... that is to say, you are able to Pandora--you are Pandora-able.

Pandora.
Able.
Pandorable.

APB&J

2011-04-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

APB.
PB&J.
APB&J.

Wanted: sandwich, dead or alive.

Probably dead. Eating a living thing sounds weird.

Unless you're a vampire. Which also sounds weird.

Undead.
Edible.
Undedible.

Buffalonely

2011-04-27T08:21:00.000-07:00

Buffalo.
Lonely.
Buffalonely.

An emotion that wouldn't exist if someone would just provide the author of "Home on the Range" what he asked for in its first line.

Bison.
Song.
Bisong.

Hawaiyne Newton.

2011-03-14T13:13:00.001-07:00

Hawaii.
Wayne Newton.
Hawaiyne Newton.

Don Ho.

Oahu.
Who?
Oawho?

Blasphemur

2011-03-14T12:46:00.001-07:00

Blaspheme.
Femur.
Blasphemur.

A sinful leg bone.

Which is why God took one of Adam's RIBS, and not this one.

Also that would have made it hard to walk.

Sham.
Ambulatory.
Shambulatory.

Premedial

2011-03-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

Premed.
Remedial.
Premedial.

Classes for people who will not become doctors.

Doctors.
Or something else.
Doctorsomething else.

Belated

2011-02-15T05:36:00.001-08:00

Be.
Elated.
Belated.

If someone isn't punctual wishing you a happy birthday, say, this shows that it should be even happier.

Thrill.
Illogical.
Thrillogical.

Caspervy

2011-01-19T11:16:00.000-08:00

Casper.
Pervy.
Caspervy.

Sometimes at night my bedroom door creaks and opens, like there's a ghost peeping tom after me.

Or it could just be a crosswind.*

Breezy.
ZZZs.
BreeZZZs.

* What makes the wind so cross? Because it hasn't found a ghost to love?

Airflow.
Lonely.
Airflonely.

Tea Party Foul

2011-01-15T08:13:00.000-08:00

Tea Party.
Party Foul.
Tea Party Foul.

Self-explanatory?

Self-Explanatory.
Tories and Whigs.
Self-Explanatories and Whigs.

Volcanoe

2011-01-15T05:56:00.001-08:00

Volcano.
Canoe.
Volcanoe.

A generally ineffective method of transport.

(Except in Dante's Peak.)

Spoiler.
Alert.
Spoilert.

Fibonazis

2011-01-07T16:33:00.000-08:00

Fibonacci.
Nazis.
Fibonazis.

Those who are very strict about keeping everything ordered 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, etc.

8.
Etc.
Eight cetera.

Imaginaryans

2010-12-26T12:17:00.000-08:00

Imaginary.
Aryans.
Imaginaryans.

All that there would be if Holocaust deniers were correct.

Figment.
Mentality.
Figmentality.

PS They who denied it, supplied it.

Decembrrrrr.

2010-12-10T15:23:00.000-08:00

December.
Brrrrr.
Decembrrrrr.

It's too cold to even come up with a good one of these.

Unless.
Esoteric.
Unlessoteric.

TMIT

2010-10-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

TMI.
MIT.
TMIT.

Too much information about the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Or a new restaurant chain: Thank Mohammed It's Thursday.

No? How about TYIS? (Thank Yahweh It's Saturday.)

Nachos.
Chosen Ones.
Nachosen Ones.

JPEGasus

2010-08-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

JPEG.
Pegasus.
JPEGasus.

An epic e-pic of a winged horse.

Even more difficult to get than one of Bigfoot, I'd say.

Because winged horses aren't real.

And if they were, the wings would flap too fast to get a good shot, probably.

Defeat.
Feathered.
Defeathered.

Bloggerbil

2010-08-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

Blogger.
Gerbil.
Bloggerbil.

"Today I ran on a wheelie thing. Didn't get very far."

Unless that's just for hamsters.

In which case I was just testing you, like a guinea pig. Totally.

Rodent.
Entirely.
Rodentirely.

Agnoptimistic

2010-06-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

Agnostic.
Optimistic.
Agnoptimistic.

Seeing the world as half-full of god.

My cup doth not runneth over.

Which means cleanliness is actually next to uncertainty of godliness.

Booya.
Yahweh.
Booyahweh.

Twoferocious

2010-06-10T06:54:00.000-07:00

Twofer.
Ferocious.
Twoferocious.

A new game that you can play by following on Twitter.
(Click above to play/see/waste time.)

It is moderated by myself and fellow comedian/word-lover MC Mr. Napkins.

Napkins.
Kinship.
Napkinship.

Officeland

2010-05-13T14:47:00.001-07:00

Office.
Iceland.
Officeland.

I'm pitching a spinoff of the American Office television program.

It's also a spinoff of the British Office.

It takes place somewhere in between.

Reykjavik.
Vicinity.
Reykjavicinity.

Famenesia

2010-05-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

Fame.
Amnesia.
Famenesia.

When becoming a celebrity, sometimes one forgets one's friends, or the little people, or forgets that one's friends are not little people, which ironically makes the celebrity seem like a smaller person.

Celebrity.
Itty-bitty.
Celebritty-bitty.

Autopsy-Turvy

2010-04-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Autopsy.
Topsy-Turvy.
Autopsy-Turvy.

"Well, that's why he died. He has feet where his head should be."

"Doctor, I think his body is just facing the other way."

"Ah, then THAT's why he died. He should have been facing the right way."

Encore.
Coroner.
Encoroner.

Chamomeleon

2010-04-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

Chamomile.
Chameleon.
Chamomeleon.

Which one of these words is hiding in the other?

Either way, it's relaxing, isn't it?

Or no?

Camouflage.
Agita.
Camouflagita.

Genee-Jerk

2010-03-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

Genie.
Knee-Jerk.
Genee-Jerk.

Don't react immediately when a magical being tells you you have three wishes.

First, make sure it's not one of those vindictive ones that will purposefully misinterpret your words to give you literally what you asked for but figuratively big problems.

e.g. You ask to be the richest person in the world, so the genie kills everyone else.

Genie.
Genocide.
Genie-cide.

Also, it might not even be a genie, but the devil in disguise trying to steal your soul.

If that's the case, go through all the motions and then when he tries to claim it, you can say, "No, I said you could have my SOLE. Of my shoe. Take the whole thing. In fact, take both. I'm feeling magnanimous."

Genie.
Generous.
Genie-rous.*

Then you just go to the genie and ask for a new pair.

And then he gives you a piece of fruit.

Which is way more delicious than losing your soul.

Genie.
Needless to Say.
Geneedless to Say.

* That one wasn't actually even about the genie, sorry.

Devil.
Illegitimate.
Devillegitimate.

Tic-Tactic

2010-03-03T22:48:00.001-08:00

Tic-Tac.
Tactic.
Tic-Tactic.

How to get someone with bad breath to stop doing that.

Halitosis.
Cease and Desist.
Halitosease and Desist.

Ventriloquisdom

2010-02-18T11:34:00.001-08:00

Ventriloquist.

Wisdom.

Ventriloquisdom.

Behind every great man is another man with his hand in that first man's butt.

Also the first man is made of wood, and doesn't have to be a man.

The second man doesn't have to be a man either.

This stuff is hard to learn. You'll never find a book called "Ventriloquists for Dummies."

Mannequin.

Quintessentials.

Mannequintessentials.

Sincidious

2010-02-11T17:31:00.000-08:00

Sin City.

Insidious.

Sincidious.

I'm in Vegas this week, and I came up with a new word to describe it.

(It also coincidentally sounds like there's a "hideous" in there somewhere.)

Coincide.

Hideous.

Coincideous.

Februaryan

2010-01-25T11:10:00.000-08:00

February.

Aryan.

Februaryan.

Someone who really hates Black History Month.

African.

Anger.

Africanger.

Decadequate

2010-01-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

Decade.

Adequate.

Decadequate.

It's 2010, the start of a new ten-year period!

Or it's actually the end of the last ten-year period, because when you count to 10 starting with 1*, you don't get there until you get to 10. And then the next 10 starts with 11.

Don't be mad. Or do. Let it out.

Math and I are here for you.

Eleven.

Venting.

Eleventing.

* I'm told there is no year 0 (no Chinese year of the goose egg**).

Of course, time is relative and anyone can call anything whatever they like, but according to the system that we're using, there's no number 0, so we started with 1 and finish with 10, unless there was a 9-year decade somewhere in the past two-thousand years.

Nonade?

Adept.

Nonadept.

Or, if some amount of time was added to or subtracted from each year or decade as necessary to get us to the point we're at now, such that 2010 can be the first year of a new decade.

Arithmetic.

Meticulous.

Arithmeticulous.

Which I'm fine with, either way, if that's how people want to go.

I'm agreeable. Especially when the issue doesn't really matter.

Flexible.

Bull.

Flexibull.

** Goose egg means zero, right?

So then egg definitely came before chicken.

Just not necessarily chicken egg.

Fowl.

Philosophy.

Fowlosophy.

(See also Breakfastidious.)

Entrail Mix

2010-01-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

Entrail.

Trail Mix.

Entrail Mix.

A good snack for a zombie hike.

(Talk about super-natural.)

And make sure you keep hydrated.

Intestinal.

Nalgene.

Intestinalgene.

Facoctagon

2009-12-28T10:40:00.000-08:00

Facacta.
Octagon.
Facoctagon.

A shape that's supposed to have eight sides but doesn't.

Also it's Jewish.

Meshugge.
Geometry.
Meshuggeometry.

Conanalysis

2009-12-17T08:10:00.000-08:00

Conan.
Analysis.
Conanalysis.

Last night, I made my network debut on the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien.

(Conan wasn't making a debut with me, he goes with the show.)

Here is what happened. (Click on this.)

Watch if you like. Enjoy if you do. Have a party.

Disco.
Conan.
Disconan.

Nobelfry

2009-11-30T09:16:00.001-08:00

Nobel.
Belfry.
Nobelfry.

Some people think the committee is batty for giving Obama the peace prize, at a time when our country is at war.

Afghanistan.
Standby.
Afghanistandby.

But Batman is constantly engaged in a war on crime, to keep the peace, remember?

Forgot.
Gotham.
Forgotham.

So, nothing hypocritical about being batty.

Hypocrite.
Critters.
Hypocritters.

Umbilical Corduroys

2009-11-01T06:13:00.000-08:00

Umbilical Cord.
Corduroys.
Umbilical Corduroys.

The grossest pants in the world.

And that's not all... they're also made of umbilical cords!

Pantaloon.
Lunacy.
Pantalunacy.

Dominostalgia

2009-10-23T05:39:00.000-07:00

Dominos.
Nostalgia.
Dominostalgia.

I used to eat their pizza all the time.

Then I found out the owner donated lots of money to pro-life causes, so I stopped.

Then I found out the owner sold the business and it has nothing to do with pro-life causes anymore.

But by then it was too late; I was already a vegan.

Tofu.
Futility.
Tofutility.

Talmudblood

2009-10-23T05:34:00.000-07:00

Talmud.
Mudblood.
Talmudblood.

Another word for a shiksa.

Unless that's offensive, in which case I take it back.

Hebrew.
Rewind.
Hebrewind.

Hempty

2009-10-23T05:32:00.000-07:00

Hemp.
Empty.
Hempty.

When you're out of pot.

Or the first name of Mr. Dempty.

(Maybe that's why he threw himself off that wall... because he was out of pot.)

Foregone.
Ganja.
Foreganja.

Historepeat

2009-10-19T10:26:00.001-07:00

History.
Repeat.
Historepeat.

They say that not knowing history will lead to repeating it.

But what about the parts that we WANT to repeat? Shouldn't we try and not know them?

Stop teaching about Gandhi and Martin Luther King and Einstein and Thomas Edison and Darwin!

Once we've forgotten all about them, we'll have new ones!

Maybe a Voltron combining them all: a peaceful time-traveling inspirational inventor!

(With the head of a lion! And arms that are also the heads of lions! But that used to be the heads of monkeys! Go Voltron!)

Evolve.
Voltron.
Evolvtron.

Ampersandwich

2009-10-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

Ampersand.
Sandwich.
Ampersandwich.

A delicious punctuation, the recipe of which is a generous helping of the shift key along with the number 7.

Menu.
Numerical.
Menumerical.

Easy as pie!
(Or even easier, actually. I can't make a pie, but I can do this.)

Recipe.
Period.
Reciperiod.

Abrahamlet

2009-10-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

Abraham.
Hamlet.
Abrahamlet.

To be or not to be the father of Judaism.

Oy Vey.
Vague.
Oy Vague.

Algaesus

2009-09-25T08:04:00.001-07:00

Algae.
Jesus.
Algaesus.

Doesn't so much WALK on water as float on top of it.

(The dead-then-returned-to-life-man's float.)

Reincarnate.
Naturally.
Reincarnaturally.

Skunkosher

2009-09-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

Skunk.
Unkosher.
Skunkosher.

I don't know if any religions outlaw the eating of this animal, but they probably don't have to.

Pepe Le Pew.
Putrid.
Pepe Le Pewtrid.

Porcupineapple

2009-09-25T07:48:00.000-07:00

Porcupine.
Pineapple.
Porcupineapple.

Fruit that can relax because of its natural defense system against predators.

Tranquil.
Quilled.
Tranquilled.

Paypalestine

2009-09-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

Paypal.
Palestine.
Paypalestine.

An independent state, if enough people donate.

Donate.
National.
Donational.

Laboredom

2009-09-07T06:32:00.001-07:00

Labor.
Boredom.
Laboredom.

A whole day without work to celebrate not having to work?

What if you like your work?

Then this day is a punishment.

Surprise.
Prison.
Surprison.

Lazeye

2009-09-05T17:52:00.000-07:00

Lazy.
Eye.
Lazeye.

A lazier way to say it.

Goddamn.
Amblyopia.
Goddamblyopia.

Pizzubway

2009-08-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

Pizza.
Subway.
Pizzubway.

I wrote some standup to be used in promos on Comedy Central.

Here they are.

Advertise.
Zing!
Advertizing!

Haystacupuncture

2009-08-27T06:01:00.000-07:00

Haystack.
Acupuncture.
Haystacupuncture.

Something about a needle. I'll get to that later.

We start with a story about the beach, which I now call the bea-otch.
(Take that, beach.)

Sandy.
Destruction.
Sandestruction.

That is where I got a sunburn, but don't worry, it was not for nothing.

I got it in exchange for donating my glasses to the ocean.

Oops.
Sea.
Oopsea.

Like I made a sacrifice to Poseidon so he would put a word in with Apollo to burn me.

Stupidest exchange ever.

Trade.
Adept.
Tradept.

I don't even know why a god would need glasses.

Ophthalmology.
Jesus.
Ophthalmologesus.

Though he is the god of the sea, not god of seeing.

Inept.
Neptune.
Ineptune.

So I spent my day at the beach searching for buried treasure. Or floating treasure. Or wherever-my-glasses-ended-up treasure.

Prize.
Eyes.
Priyes.

And what I found is this...

The expression "looking for a needle in a haystack" should be changed to "looking for my glasses in the ocean."

Because that's way harder.

A haystack doesn't move. It doesn't cover three-quarters of the earth. You can't burn down the ocean and just find what you're looking for sitting right there. AND you're doing all this searching without your glasses.

Blinded.
Dedication.
Blindedication.

Sometimes someone will throw a bottle into the ocean, with a note inside that travels across the world, and someone else finds it and they fall in love and live happily ever after.

That actually happens more often than me finding my glasses in the ocean.

And the bottle is made out of glass as well, which is sort of rubbing it in.

Pepsi.
Sea-Faring.
Pepsea-Faring.

So, if anyone finds my glasses on the other side of the world, we should probably get married.

Let me know.

Longshot.
Hotline.
Longshotline.

Mascary

2009-08-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

Mascara.
Scary.
Mascary.

Too much makeup.

Lipstick.
Icky.
Lipsticky.

Moriginal

2009-08-25T07:53:00.001-07:00

More.
Original.
Moriginal.

It's easier to be more original if you start earlier.

The person who had it the easiest was probably Adam.

Anything he made would HAVE to be original, because he was the first dude, so there was absolutely no one around before him creating anything.

Unless you count God creating anything.

Okay, so God had it the simplest then.

Deity.
Easiest.
Deiteasiest.

Combozo

2009-08-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

Combos.
Bozo.
Combozo.

Some clown who puts things together, like words maybe.

(And perhaps a more appropriate title for this blog, in hindsight.)

Blogger.
Grrrrrrr.
Bloggrrrrrrrr.

Gazpachoo

2009-08-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

Gazpacho.
Achoo.
Gazpachoo.

When you sneeze and cold tomato soup comes out your nose.

Veggies.
Gesundheit.
Veggesundheit.

Galoreos

2009-08-22T06:15:00.001-07:00

Galore.
Oreos.
Galoreos.

A lot of cookies.

Cascades.
Desserts.
Cascadesserts.

Raudio

2009-08-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

Raw.
Audio.
Raudio.

Just got the first rough copy of my CD recording.

Keep staying tuned to the things I'm saying so you can eventually purchase the things I said and then be on your own schedule of listening to the things I will say.

Saying.
Yin Yang.
Sayin Yang.

Hospitalian

2009-08-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

Hospital.
Italian.
Hospitalian.

A medical facility where the food is enjoyable.

Also, it's where you end up when the mafia tries to make you sleep with the fishes, but you just end up taking a nap with them.

(Sleep is to death as nap is to coma?)

Pain.
Analogy.
Painalogy.

Alcatrasberry

2009-08-18T15:24:00.001-07:00

Alcatraz.
Raspberry.
Alcatrasberry.

One of the nicer things that can happen to you in jail.

Surprise.
Prison.
Surprison.

Alluminati

2009-08-15T05:38:00.001-07:00

Aluminum.
Illuminati.
Alluminati.

A secret conspiracy (involving tin* cans) that tries to take over the world but is constantly foiled.

Foil.
Failure.
Foilure.

* But not tin.

Or is it?

Metal.
Also.
Metalso.

Futurine

2009-08-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

Future.
Urine.
Futurine.

What I call my drinking water, when I especially don't want others to have any.

Selfish.
Fishfood.
Selfishfood.

Reapersonification

2009-08-11T10:24:00.001-07:00

Reaper.
Personification.
Reapersonification.

It's been said that the only thing there is to fear is fear itself, but I think that's incorrect.

I think the only things there are to fear are pain and death.

But once you have death, there is no more pain.

And if you are in pain, that means you are not dead.

So really, there's nothing to fear at all.

Unless you believe in hell, in which case that's pain AND death combined.

Suckers.

Hades.
Desolate.
Hadesolate.

Robotuary

2009-08-11T10:19:00.001-07:00

Robot.
Obituary.
Robotuary.

For when Johnny Five is no longer alive.

Zero.
Robot.
Zerobot.

(See also Sorrobot.)

Daedalust

2009-08-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

Daedalus.
Lust.
Daedalust.

The passion one feels for an inventor.

Especially an inventor who can make you a cow suit so you can sleep with a bull that you also have passion for.

If only the inventor was also a bull, like the story is. (Take that, mythology.)

Beau.
Bovine.
Beauvine.

Debutcher

2009-08-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

Debut.
Butcher.
Debutcher.

When was the first animal killed after Noah's trip on the ark?

They only brought two of each, so what were the animals being fed until they could reproduce enough to make more food for the other animals that were carnivores and needed to eat them?

Maybe they got so hungry they had to eat the unicorns and one of the dragons (the other of which fled to Loch Ness).

Mythology.
Eats.
Mythologeats.

(See also Amoe-Bay and Dragonorrhea.)

Traffiction

2009-08-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

Traffic.
Fiction.
Traffiction.

There are no cars in front of you.

They're all in your mind.

Just keep driving forward.

Also, there is no spoon.

So, good luck eating the soup they serve you in the hospital after your car accident.

Silverware.
Wary.
Silverwary.

Augusto

2009-08-09T09:12:00.001-07:00

August.
Gusto.
Augusto.

What I have not been attacking this blog with so far this month.

But just wait, everything can change with one post that talks about everything changing!

Apparent.
Enthusiasm.
Apparenthusiasm.

Louieekend

2009-08-01T05:47:00.000-07:00

Louie.
Weekend.
Louieekend.

Last night, tonight, and tomorrow night, I perform with Mr. CK at Caroline's.

Come!*

(If the name of this post sounds like me saying "the weekend" in French, I apologize or you're welcome, depending how you feel about it.)

Rendezvous.
Useful.
Rendezvouseful.

* Probably don't try to come last night, because it was sold out. Also because you'd need a time machine. But I suppose if you had one of those, you could probably manage to go back far enough to get tickets also. Which would displace someone who was there last night, which is either impossible because it's already happened, or would create a parallel timeline in which you saw the show and they didn't, which I think is more likely. So go for that. Also let me know how you got a time machine.

Chronology.
Logistics.
Chronologistics.

Dinneraction

2009-07-30T15:18:00.001-07:00

Dinner.
Interaction.
Dinneraction.

Unnecessarily long (but fun) term for having a meal with someone.

Supper.
Superfluous.
Supperfluous.

Strategypt

2009-07-28T11:53:00.000-07:00

Strategy.
Egypt.
Strategypt.

Sometimes I just get words ready for when they're relevant.

If we go to war with Egypt and need a plan, you heard it here first.

Prepared.
A Ridiculous Idea.
Preparidiculous Idea.

Daffodildo

2009-07-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

Daffodil.
Dildo.
Daffodildo.

Not the most functional, but pretty.

Flower.
Erotic.
Flowerotic.

Aquamanatee

2009-07-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

Aquaman.
Manatee.
Aquamanatee.

Half creature of the sea, half super-hero that lives in the sea and has the power to communicate with any creature of the sea.

Thus being very in touch with itself.

Or being a thing that talks to itself a lot.

(A lot of lonely sea beings end up like that.
At least the little mermaid would always make a song of it, to distract from the fact of how alone she was.)

Solitary.
Ariel.
Solitariel.

Montreality

2009-07-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

Montreal.
Reality.
Montreality.

I'm there.

It's not an imaginary place.

Unless I'm an imaginary person.*

Arcane.
Canada.
Arcanada.

* I think I'm not, therefore I am not?

Descartes.
Testing.
Descartesting.

What if you thought you were Descartes?

Rene.
Nerve.
Renerve.

Mayhemp

2009-07-20T03:13:00.000-07:00

Mayhem.
Hemp.
Mayhemp.

Marijuana can cause a lot of problems.

Personally, it usually makes me fall asleep and miss the rest of the party.

Marijuana.
Naptime.
Marijuanaptime.

But people usually take pictures of me (or draw pictures on me, or both) so I can learn how fun it was anyway.

Narcoleptic.
Tickled.
Narcoleptickled.

So there's no need to do cocaine or uppers of any kind to stay awake, not in this modern age of technology.

Gateway drug problem solved!

Cocaine.
Inert.
Cocainert.

(See also Begateway.)

Awkwairdo

2009-07-17T15:02:00.000-07:00

Awkward.
Weirdo.
Awkwairdo.

This entry.

Or me for writing it.

Blog.
Logic.
Blogic.

Poseihnfeld

2009-07-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

Posehn.
Seinfeld.
Poseihnfeld.

A cross between comedians Brian and Jerry.

"What's the deal with death metal? There's no death, and there's no metal!"

"Actually, the guitars have some metal."

"Oh. Okay then. What's the deal with comic books? They're not books, and they're not comics!"

"They're both, actually."

"Oh. Okay. What's the deal with this joke going on so long?"

"THERE you go."

Comedian.
Dying.
Comedying.

Gardenial

2009-07-14T08:09:00.000-07:00

Garden.
Denial.
Gardenial.

What Adam and Eve experienced, after the snake made his convincing argument that "ignorance is bliss" meant that you shouldn't have either of those.

What's better? Knowing things, or being happy?

That's what I'd like to know.

Or not.

Informed.
Mediocre.
Informediocre.

Poconostradamus

2009-07-13T10:52:00.000-07:00

Poconos.
Nostradamus.
Poconostradamus.

I predict that I went to Pennsylvania two days ago and stayed overnight until yesterday.

(Being psychic is easy when you do it in reverse. I think then it's called "memory.")

Memory.
Oh Really.
Memoh Really.

Tutuba

2009-07-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

Tutu.
Tuba.
Tutuba.

Someone whose ballet is large, low, and loud.

As opposed to the tinier, higher, quieter variety.

Ballerina.
Inaudible.
Ballerinaudible.

Hefnerd

2009-07-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

Hefner.
Nerd.
Hefnerd.

The brains behind Playboy.

(They say behind every great man is a woman, and this man was smart enough to put the women front and center.)

XXX.
X Chromosome.
XXX Chromosome.

KATGIF

2009-07-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

KATG.
TGIF.
KATGIF.

Keith and the Girl is fun.

(That's what that whole expression could stand for.)

It's a podcast that I appear on regularly enough that I feel fine saying I appear on it regularly.

This entry would probably be most appropriate if I were appearing on it today, Friday.

But sometimes the universe doesn't work perfectly.

For example, Pluto's not a planet anymore, and I'm not on the show again until this coming Tuesday. Also tomorrow for their 1000th show-xtravaganza.

But that's perfect enough, isn't it? (Except for Pluto. Sorry!*)

Podcast.
Astronomy.
Podcastronomy.

* My childhood peers will just have to content ourselves with the idea that "my very educated mother just served us nine..." without referencing what nine things she served us.

Perhaps she's educated enough to assume that we'll put it together.

Or we just all have to deal with the fact that someone stole our pickles.

Pickle.
Klepto.
Picklepto.

Mesclunar

2009-07-09T04:55:00.000-07:00

Mesclun.
Lunar.
Mesclunar.

Vegetables eaten at night.

Nocturnal.
Alfalfa.
Noctrunalfalfa.

Whimpervious

2009-07-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

Whimper.
Impervious.
Whimpervious.

When people whine at/to/near me, I am emotionally invincible.

Bullets:Superman::Whining:Me.

Unless the whining is made of kryptonite.

Gripin'.
Indestructible.
Gripindestructible.

Yetymology

2009-07-08T06:27:00.000-07:00

Yeti.
Etymology.
Yetymology.

Where did the name "Bigfoot" come from, anyway?

Sure, they probably first identified his existence due to big footprints, but wouldn't they make the assumption that there was a giant creature attached, and not just a big-footed thing that was unremarkable in everything but the foot department?

Why not call him "Big Thing"? (If the name had to be so boring.)

Or at the very least, Bigfeet?
(Weren't there left AND right footprints? Or is that part of the intrigue and mystery of the creature?)

Podiatric.
Tricky.
Podiatricky.

Addictionary

2009-07-07T21:39:00.001-07:00

Addict.
Dictionary.
Addictionary.

Someone or something that can't get enough words.

(So they start making up new ones.)

Etymologist.
Gestation.
Etymologestation.

Canadamant

2009-07-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

Canada.
Adamant.
Canadamant.

In college, I sang in an a capella group called VoiceMale (I didn't name it, but would have been happy to name it that, were it up to me), and we went on tour down the east coast of this country but also up to Montreal, because, damn it, people wanted to see strippers with their eyes and beers with their mouths, and Canada's drinking age was lower than ours, so score!

Montreal.
Realistic.
Montrealistic.

The score after a trip to one bar and two strip clubs was as follows--
Beers: 14, Shots: 2, Time Asleep: unknown, due to being asleep.
(That's what happens when an a capella group sings in a bar and gets pitchers sent over to them by people who love the singing or are trying to bribe us to stop, and you add in the fact that only a couple of the guys in the group actually drank to begin with.)

Sleepy.
Period.
Sleeperiod.

I woke up from my nap that you might call "having passed out" if you were a stickler for that sort of thing, I eliminated the problem from my body from whence it came, and I went back to our hotel or wherever we were staying, I don't remember, I was drunk. For the very first time, did I mention? That's what this story is about.

Virgin.
Gin and Tonic.
Virgin and Tonic.

Then when I woke up the next day, I had the biggest hangover. It was probably the worst pain I'd ever felt, and my parents got divorced when I was a kid. (But they didn't hit me in the head with the power of that many drinks.) Also I figured they were better off living the lives they wanted to lead. No worries.

Point is, it was no good, so I promised no one in particular (maybe myself?) that I'd never drink that much again. And I didn't. Until the next time. A capella!

Until.
Illness.
Untillness.

(See also Hungovery.)

Ignormal

2009-07-06T07:04:00.000-07:00

Ignore.
Normal.
Ignormal.

Not paying attention to the ordinary.

Probably not applicable to those under the influence of psilocybin.

Litmus.
Mushrooms.
Litmushrooms.

(See also Psilocybinoculars.)

Comedaytime

2009-07-05T16:09:00.000-07:00

Comedy.
Daytime.
Comedaytime.

Had a show during the day today in Washington Square Park.

2pm, the time when comedy is born! And immediately takes a nap.

The "stage" was one side of a circular area with benches lining the circumference, so anyone who wanted could get a great seat either right behind me or far away on the other side of the circle.

Or they could sit right down in the middle of a walkway and be trampled.

Either way, their laughs were sure to be lost into the ether of the outdoors, or muffled because they were being trampled.

A good time was had by all! (Most people opted for trample-free.)

Stomped.
Pedestrians.
Stompedestrians.

Independensity

2009-07-04T11:34:00.000-07:00

Independence.
Density.
Independensity.

Our freedom's mass per unit volume.

Happy birthday, America.

The extra weight suits you. You don't look a day past 200.

4th of July.
Liar.
4th of Juliar.

Hydrama

2009-07-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

Hydra.
Drama.
Hydrama.

For example, when you're dating someone who causes so many headaches that even when you put out one fire, two more pop up to take its place.

Fiery.
Relationship.
Fierelationship.

Lupinocchio

2009-07-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

Lupine.
Pinocchio.
Lupinnocchio.

A wolf who wants to be a real boy.

Like one of Mowgli's "brothers" who is jealous of his opposable thumbs.

Jungle.
Learning.
Junglearning.

Cryogenixon

2009-06-30T07:27:00.001-07:00

Cryogenics.
Nixon.
Cryogenixon.

What if Tricky Dick wasn't really dead, but just frozen?

That would be really tricky.

However, if you're really tricky, 1) you don't put "tricky" in your nickname, that gives it away, and 2) you don't get caught stealing.

My Country 'Tis of Thee.
Thievery.
My Country 'Tis of Thievery.

Impedimentadent

2009-06-29T05:54:00.000-07:00

Impediment.
Mentadent.
Impedimentadent.

Something that gets in the way of brushing your teeth.

e.g. Having a distrust of the electric toothbrush.

I mean, I like using a chair just fine, but some things don't improve when you add "electric."

(Like, the slide.)

Electric.
Rickety.
Electrickety.

Anagrampa

2009-06-28T08:09:00.000-07:00

Anagram.
Grampa.
Anagrampa.

A scrambled-up old man.

Doesn't even spell "grandpa" correctly.

Spelling.
Ingorrect.
Spellingorrect.

Dryce

2009-06-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

Dry.
Ice.
Dryce.

If you ever need to refer to solid carbon dioxide even faster than normal.

CO2.
Too Slow.
CO200 Slow.

Tomatom

2009-06-26T21:30:00.001-07:00

Tomato.
Atom.
Tomatom.

The smallest component into which this fruit can be broken down.

Also known as a "to-mah-tom."

(But that might involve calling the whole thing off.)

Ketchup.
Uppity.
Ketchuppity.

Darwinners

2009-06-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

Darwin.
Winners.
Darwinners.

We got the opposable thumbs, the ability to use language, AND we don't throw our poo* (even though we CAN pick it up with our opposable thumbs).

Evolution champions!

Evolve.
Velocity.
Evolvelocity.

* Unless we really want to.

Excrement.
Mentality.
Excrementality.

Cartuna

2009-06-24T06:37:00.000-07:00

Cartoon.
Tuna.
Cartuna.

Shouldn't more animated characters be vegetarians?

There are so many anthropomorphized talking animals out there, and they're just chomping away at NON-anthropomorphized animals like it's normal.

Normal.
Malnutrition.
Normalnutrition.

You might argue no, because it's the natural order of things for animals to eat each other in the wild (e.g. fish do feed on other fish without being called cannibals), so why not eat them in the non-wild, especially when they're wearing pants like a human?

Wardrobe.
Obituary.
Wardrobituary.

Fair point, but that doesn't explain Mickey Mouse eating a steak.
(Mice are not predators of cows in the natural order of things.
But maybe talking mouse in shorts IS predator of cartoon cow.
Or just that Disney is a predator of everything.)

Jeopardize.
Disney.
Jeopardisney.

Abracadabrasive

2009-06-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

Abracadabra.
Abrasive.
Abracadabrasive.

When a genie in a lamp rubs you the wrong way.

Perhaps because you rubbed IT the wrong way.

Which leads to YOU having to grant IT* three wishes.

Dodgy.
Genie.
Dodgenie.

* I used the word "it" instead of "him," choosing to be un-PC against the genie community, as opposed to the sexist option, or the awkwardness of "him or her," because a genie could certainly be either gender, and there's no way a glass ceiling could keep a genie from magicking right through it.

Gender.
Derogatory.
Genderogatory.

Pillowl

2009-06-22T07:36:00.001-07:00

Pillow.
Owl.
Pillowl.

A really soft bird.

You can't sleep on it though, because it's awake all night.

(It's a nocturnal cushion.)

Shh.
Hoot.
Shhoot.

Patriarchenemy

2009-06-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

Patriarch.
Archenemy.
Patriarchenemy.

To some, another word for father.*
(Not me! Happy Fathers' Day!)

Holiday.
Dad.
Holidad.

I had breakfast with my father for Fathers' Day today, and then lunch with my mother for her birthday tomorrow.**

Family.
Eating.
Famileating.

At lunch, a friend of my grandmother's told me about how he orders a tuna sandwich when he's out at restaurants.

First, he asks if the tuna is fresh, and they say "Of course."

Then, he tells them he actually prefers it if it's three or four days old, do they have any of that around?

If they say, "No, only fresh tuna," he says, "All right, I can deal with that."

If they say, "Yes, we have some of that," he says, "I'll have the egg salad."

Chicken.
Kinship.
Chickinship.

* To others, another word for matriarch?

Maternal.
Alright.
Maternalright.

** Her birthday is tomorrow, but we had lunch for it today.

I was not reporting on future events.

Those are secrets.

Chronology.
Conspiracy.
Chronspiracy.